After a little break to recover from Christmas and New Year, I’m back and ready to get typing about #spoonielife. Happy new year all!
Over the summer Jack got me into watching House. I usually avoid medical shows as I see enough of hospitals and doctors in real life, but after one full episode of this I was hooked. My god would I love House to be my doctor, he’d have had me sorted years ago!
For those who haven’t seen House, it’s about an incredible doctor, Gregory House, who is head of a diagnostics team in a hospital. House suffered from an infarction (blood clot) in his right leg about five years before the show begins, against his will doctors removed the dead muscle. This left House with partial loss of the use of his leg and with severe chronic pain. You’ve probably clicked as to why I felt such a connection now I’ve mentioned chronic pain. Now, thankfully I don’t have a prescription painkiller addiction, or any dead muscles but during the final episode of series 4 I felt as though House was speaking directly for me, verbalising the feelings of guilt, exhaustion, anger and pain that I’d been attempting to say out loud for months, as though we were the same person.
There are many of House’s quotes about his chronic pain that are really relatable but whilst crying hysterically at the emotion of episode 16 of season 4, ‘Wilson’s Heart’, I felt as though the show had ended and all these built up feelings and words were tumbling out of my mouth instead of his. Obviously this then led to more hysterical crying and snotty, soggy cuddles as I mumbled and sobbed into Jack’s shirt (he really is just the luckiest man). So; after much rambling on and attempted scene setting without giving any spoilers, here are the words of Gregory House that may as well have been my own, I feel many of you will feel this way too…
“I don’t want to be in pain. I don’t want to be miserable. And I don’t want him to hate me.”
That’s it. Those three short lines turned me into an unsightly, tearstained faced mumbler. I don’t want to be in pain, knowing that everyday you will wake up in pain makes every day much harder. I don’t want to be miserable: even being surrounded by my wonderful family and friends, having a boyfriend who makes me happy even on the worst days and doing a degree I love doesn’t take away from the misery that chronic illnesses and pain brings. And most importantly I don’t want him to hate me, Jack deals with my illness incredibly, I don’t know how he does it, but I never want him to hate me for making his life much harder, for making all our life plans that tiny bit more difficult and for turning him into a carer, not just a boyfriend.
I’m very grateful to House for allowing me to express the feelings I’ve been struggling with for so long, sometimes we find help and comfort in the strangest of places. So, thank you Hugh Laurie, you certainly changed my life for the better.
Is there a fictional character who helps you to express your feelings about your illness? I’d love to know of anyone you connect with during the tough times of illness.
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